This morning I woke up to hit my snooze button. After I hit it, I hit my head on my headboard. My neck cracked and I saw the same stars Wilde Coyote does when he get knocked the F&@k out by one of those weight thingys. I texted my sister(who is right now the hall) "I've fallen and I can't get up...Bring ice". Of course she slept through it!

This is an e-mail convo between my friend juju and I about the situation. This is a "normal" convo between the two of us. I just thought it was funny! I hope you enjoy!

From Coco

This morning I got into a HUGE fight with my snooze button and headboard (they won). I HURT MAMA! I have a three inch goose egg on my head and I can't move my neck!!!!


From JuJu-
Why wouldn’t ya! I am starting to think that we might need an exorcism or something. You are either possessed by the devil or you are having one long string of BAD LUCK!
Mama……duct tap a bag of frozen peas to your forehead and rock the world tonight……dare ya.

Coco-
I'll totally tell everyone the devil pushed me into my headboard...

Heather to coco - "Coco why can't you move your neck and what's up with that big knot on your head?"
Coco to heather - "The devil pushed me"
Heather to coco - "Oh"

So tonight I say we throw up a tent, light some candles, grab our bibles and bring Jesus back to me!

HEAL ME JUJU HEAL ME!

And if that doesn't work, I'll grab the prettiest sliver duck tape and some brand name peas and dance the night away! I just hope they don't play anything flash dance!

Coco

Where NOT to pick up men...by Coco Channel.



My single friends always wonder where is the best place to pick up men? It seems that everywhere you go in Indiana there are no "good" guys! So instead of dwelling on where to go to meet them...I thought we would weed out the places that wouldn't be ideal to find your soul mate. This is what we came up with.





The self-help section at Borders. (esp drug abuse or alcoholism)



Through your probation officer.



At your family reunion.



A homeless shelter



Truck stops - between the dream catchers and claw game-



Any and all women's restrooms.



incarcerated_people_need_love_2.com


At the children's museum with no children

Those are just a few suggestions. So now that we have those crossed off our lists, we should find guys in no time.

Until next time...

Coco

This is what 35 years of marriage looks like. It looks good to me!

Congrats Mom and Dad! I love you!

Ok...So being on the skinny girl's side really paid off! My pants not only fit but are getting to big! I am no longer living in fear of picking things up off the ground and my pants ripping only to expose my Hanes Her Ways to the world. (Yes I wear Hanes Her Ways....They rock and I rarely have to spend time digging them out of my butt!)

The inches (3 from my waist to be exact) melting away could be b/c i stuck up for the skinny's of the world OR I'm now gluten free and proud!

QUESTION-Gluten free you say? Isn't that a BIG life change!

ANSWER- Yes but I didn't have a choice. After 30 years of binge drinking Miller Lite and gorging on pizza until I was in a coma, my body will no longer tolerate it! Not my choice people....but glad it was made for me!

QUESTION-You loved going to the grocery! How do you feel about it now?

ANSWER-Its OK! It takes about 2 1/2 hours to buy three days worth of food. I HAVE to read EVERY label! AND It costs about 5xs more too! One day when I really know what I'm doing it will be more fun then before!

QUESTION-What did you do when you found out that Papa John's and Blue Moon were off your list for life?

ANSWER- I was planning on strangling the lady and twisting her arm until she screams "uncle" but I had the Aha moment that Oprah always talks about. AHA that's why I haven't felt good in the past 7 months. AHA this will make my very itchy hives go away. AHA this is going to ROCK!

QUESTION-Are people really asking you these questions or are you making them up?

ANSWER-Totally making them up! Its my very own internal dialogue that I'm letting you be part of!


Until next time
Cococ

OK...To write this blog I have to admit something that I'm not really proud of...I was watching the Tyra Banks Show while I was getting ready this morning.

Topic: Skinny girl wears a fat suit to see what its like to be fat. One day in a fat suit to a skinny girl = a lifetime of weight struggle. Fair enough don't ya think?!

So the skinny girl said that it was horrible, but being too skinny (which she claims to be) is just as bad. Which it might be, it's one thing I have yet to experience. Can't really put on a skinny suit now can ya?

So Tyra in all the ghetto she can muster up goes off on this girl. (For full effect, please say in a ghetto voice while shaking your head and pointing your finger in the air)

Have you ever lost a job for being to thin? Do guys turn you down for being too thin? Are the girls in the magazine to thin? Girls in the magazine, girls in magazines...What you talkin' bout Tyra?

I'm normally not one on the skinny chicks side, but I was today. As I was watching shaking my head for more reasons then one, I thought I would write Tyra a letter. But not a real letter (b/c she might think I'm a fan) but a blog...So here it is.

Dearest Ty-Ty,
I being average, if not a little overweight, watched your show today and you were mean to the skinny chick. Mean! Mean! Mean!

The "girl" in the magazine that you were talking about is you. I don't know if you realize this (you should b/c you said it 100 times in the five mins I watched), but not only are you a "top model" but you have a show that puts skinny girls up against each other for the job.

I totally understand that you also spent the day in the fat suit, so you understand everything there is to being an overweight girl. I don't want to take that away from you. I just think before you go yelling at the skinny you should look in the mirror and realize, you are the skinny girl!

Normally I wouldn't care. That was the most I've ever seen of your show, but I just hate seeing skinny girls fight. It makes me sad! :(

Love always,
Coco

It all started last week. I went it for what I thought would be harmless allergy testing. After 47 shots in my arm and a lot of Ooughs and Ahhs from the allergy chick I found out my results.



The allergy chick said (and I quote) "You're allergic to the world" (unquote)! As she looked at me with her best "bless your heart" face. She said the reason you've had hives the last seven months isn't b/c of the medicine like your mom said, but b/c you're on allergy overload. (Allergy chick didn't say the part about the medicine, but I just want to tell mom once again....it wasn't the meds!)



Oh and no beer or pizza...she says.

WHAT???? I was mentally grabbing the allergy chick's arm and twisting it until she said "Uncle." This girl just broke my heart and my spirit!



As she reads off the list, "No cheese" (tear), no nuts ( peaut butter?) "no mushrooms" (tears), no condiments of any kind, (WHAT no ketchup or mayo? BS more tears). So as she is naming off the things I CAN'T have, I'm mentally taking notes of things I can have. Which I think its odd that they list things you can't have, but don't tell you what you can have.



Anyway I degress. While taking mental inventory of what I can't eat, I figured out what I can eat...drum roll please....Chicken and grapes.

I justed wanted to give a shout out to my "Im not a writer I just blog alot" fan club.

(Pictured here from left, my mom and me) Even though shes my mom she still has to pay for the autograph! :)

Two in one day...You should be so lucky!


After writing a blog in regards to my friend Chuck and his ability to direct traffic in a way that makes Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake look like a pre-school Christmas pageant, I have some bad news.

I hate your kid. Not yours personally. Not all. Just this one!

Don't hate me, I love children. I have several "nieces" and "nephews" that I couldn't love more if I tried. Its just this child.

I sit here with a headache that won't go away and this child is making an insanely loud fire truck noise? No idea. All I know is its loud annoying and driving me to drink (diet coke). I ask him to stop, he gets louder and his parent laughs! I don't think the parent realizes that I'm two Advils away from having to get my stomach pumped b/c your child will not shut-up.

I have no children, but I'm around enough to know this is not a normal child! One day if/when I'm blessed to have my own children, you might feel this way about mine. (I doubt it, but its possible)

I will take it into consideration when you tell me, "Seriously, shut that kid up or I'll do it for you". When he is eating your food off your table with his grubby little hands and I see you look at him like death is in his near future, I'll tell him to stop. If and when he runs his hot wheels all over the papers you are trying to read, I'll tell him to sit down before he gets backhanded. (By you not me)

It just boggles (or bloggles..ha ha) my mind.

Until next time...
Coco

Randomness for the morning.....by Coco Channel!

I think the guy that directs traffic in front of my building (we will call him Chuck) is HI-LARRY-OUS. I'm not talking about his personality, I've never talked to him. But he directs traffic with passion, while still carrying on his very important life via his blue tooth. He uses his arms with such stiffness that only a 14 year old cheerleader could compete with. I'm hoping one day to see him do a toe touch, back handspring, while stopping traffic in all four directions. His air capacity rocks! (I'm guessing he does cardio). He blows his whistle so loud it can be hear four counties over. God Love Chuck!

I shouldn't complain b/c the guy at the next building down tries to kill all automobile owners daily. I actually think he hates cars and people that drive them. I once called the building management company and asked if they knew someone was directing traffic in front of their building. (Can't take credit-dad suggested that one!) After getting a chuckle, they said they would check it out. I suggested maybe traffic directing for dummies or maybe he could watch Chuck for the day! Chuck gots the skills folks.

I've been in talks with my sister for a couple days now on how I can video tape him and show him to the world. I don' t think until you can see Chuck that you will believe. He's not a mythical creature, he is just a very passionate traffic guy.

I'm out for now...Until next time.
Coco

Fountain of Youth!

Isn't it beautiful!!!!

In Voss, Norway drinking from the fountain of youth on my dirty thirty!

No one meets your search criteria


As I sit here pondering why it takes 20 minutes to microwave a 7 minute potato, I thought I would do a search for a friend from High School. I've been searching for this person since I last saw her at our 10 year reunion. Can't find her, don't know where she went! VANISHED, but that's another story.

Anyway, so this is the millionth time I've tried to find her on Myspace/facebook whatever, I'm eagerly waiting for the results when the computer tells me "No one meets your search criteria". I'm sad and not just because there is still no one on myspace that matches her, but that is sooo true in my love life (or lack there of).

I have yet to meet a guy that meets my search criteria. I'm 30 now people. Although I did just recently drink from the fountain of youth in Norway...Times a flying and I'm not getting any younger. I thought to myself maybe I should widen my search..but then I thought of my past history of men.

It goes as follows in no order and I'm sorry if I leave you out. You just didn't mean that much to me.

1. A guy that worked the midnight shift at Ace car rental?!
2. A bi-polar crackhead that bought me a "love fern that would never die like our love" He was right about the plant.
3.A porn addicted, Hugh Grant wanna-be that I had at hello
4. A nice guy that refused to believe his dog shed until Ev and I threaten to take him to Montel for a "DNA" test!
5. An emotionally unavailable guy that was still blaming his mom for not getting him the Nintendo power pad when he was 10.
6. The waste of space that didn't tell me he had a kid for a good 4 months!!

The list goes on. I've dated more the my fair share of douche bags. I'll write you a book about it one day.

But what now? B/c I'm older do I give a little here and there. I can truly only tolerate so much. Forever is a very long time and I didn't stay single through my first divorce to marry a loser. So here is my search criteria, my not so personal ad-

Wanted: Emotionally available man ages 30-35ish, 6ft or taller, that makes me laugh so hard milk comes out my nose. Someone that will humor me in my crazy ideas while coming up with some of his own! Someone that is always learning and achieving. A man that realizes my family has an almost obsessive need to spend time together and respects it. (enjoying it would be an added bonus) Colts season ticket holder a must!

My friend's mom once told me, if there was a perfect man out there don't you think I would've married him, already? I know there is on one else in the world (besides me) that's perfect. I just want perfect for me!

OK, I'm done rambling and my potato is finally done...

Until next time,
Coco

PS If you know Amanda (Ash) Brandt- let her know I'm looking for her!

My dream jehovah witness

Funny thing happened on my way to Wendy's this afternoon. I feel in love with a Jehovah's Witness.

I'm pretty sure he wasn't Jehovah's or a witness. I'm almost positive that he was just a man walking down the street in a suit, but I loved him all the same!

As I'm stopped at the stop sign, I'm trying to make eye contact with this beautiful non-Jehovah's witness. If you know me, all it takes is a little eye contact for a man to fall in love with me. (I'm kinda joking, roughly 72% serious)

I'm getting ready to yell out the window...I heart Jehovah! ...Hey you, me, Jehovah and 200,000 others in heaven, sounds like a party! Or maybe just I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES. I wasn't sure where I was planning on going with this at the time. I was seriously in a trance picking out my wedding dress. I was thinking the reception will be downtown someplace.

I'm picturing my new life in long skirts going door to door handing out the word of God to unsavable souls and he is walking closer.

I look into my purse to see if my CPR card is still valid (it's not) b/c I think I might hit this man with my car and have to give him mouth to mouth. (Just b/c I wanted to slip him the tongue)!

As he gets closer I'm thinking of my next move. MAYBE..I'll ask for directions to the nearest Wendy's. And then it happens...A car behind me honks (they didn't know I was eye molesting my dream man).

I'm frazzled, I peel out (seriously almost hitting him) and gone forever is my very beautiful non-Jehovah witness.

Until next time...
Coco

I'm not a writer, I just blog alot

Just like the title says, I'm not a writer. I come from four generations of writers, but I was not blessed with this talent. (Or any talent for that matter) Although, I did once get published. For one day of my life I was a food critic. Food is a topic that I know a lot about!

I use more fragments then the average human being. I just assume you already know what I'm talking about. I don't always finish a sentence. My head goes faster then my hands could ever type.

If you don't know how to spell, is spell check really that affective? I mean, I obviously don't know how to spell the word, so I should just take whatever spelling the computer spits out?

The fun thing about errors and typos is that if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can make up your own story. If you are a grammar snob you should pass on this blog.

I just thought i would write down my thoughts,feelings, and funnies.

So, if you're still reading and still interested, here is a little about me.

My friends call me Coco, but I'm not really sure why? I just spent my 30th Birthday in Norway. (And much to my sisters disappointment, I did not cry)

I would consider myself the typical Midwestern girl with Midwestern values. I love my family more then anyone else and surround myself with the most amazing group of friends. I drink more Diet Coke then ever thought humanly possible. I play in traffic whenever possible, run with scissors and have daydreams about fried pickles. I could live off a steady diet of Wonder Bread and chunky peanut butter. (with a side of cheez-its, please).

I don't love...any type of buffet,Phil Collins,mascots and Elvis impersonators. I don't know why, I just don't. We can get more into that later. I don't want you to know all the good stuff right away!

I won't write everyday, because things don't happen to me everyday. I'll write when I want to entertain myself and hopefully you as well.

If you have any thoughts, please share! Until next time...

Coco